"Just remember me when everyone wants to get into your green room." -Brenda Walsh, to her twin brother
Hello Comrades!
Marie here to update you on the latest happenings in the 90210. With Christmas coming up we might be taking a momentary holiday from writing to spend our time ditching bitches, getting drunk, going home with guys in bars, and all kinds of other things that It-Girl Kelly Taylor would do. Fret not though, we'll be back in no time to give you the latest scoop on our favorite bunch of rich snobs.
So where did we leave off? Last class we found out Andrea was a liar, Kelly is a crap friend, Brandon & Brenda may or may not be in love, and Steve is still stuffing his pants with rolls of socks. Okay then, great recap.
The second episode from Season 1 opens up with Brandon running around on the beach, presumably pretending to be David Hasselhoff, as the Beach Boys blast in the background. Not gonna lie, Brandon actually looks pretty fit, and I can't help but notice that he's sporting a fresh new hairdo. Has the mullet been murdered? IT HAS! I can only assume that this beach sequence is a dream though, since I'm pretty sure Brandon is still a semi-loser, and I'm soon proven correct. Brandon is awoken by his twin sister, and closest confidante, Brenda, followed closely by that godzilla alarm clock, and I sit wondering which one of the two makes my ears bleed more.
We see a quick clip of someone delivering mail to the former Walsh house in Minnesota, where it's snowing. Right on the letter it says to forward the mail to their new home in Beverly Hills, so I'm not sure why the hell the mailman wasted his time carrying it to their door. To each his own I suppose, and the show is transported back to sunny Beverly Hills, along with whatever useless letters the Walshes were getting.
Oh man, different opening credits! I guess the pilot got picked up and we could splurge a little with that budget. They still suck just as much.
Back inside the Walsh house and we hear Mama Walsh on the phone to her estranged husband and crap father to her children. After uprooting his family to California, Mr. Walsh is always away on business, probably with his other family that he keeps on the side, and Mrs. Walsh let's him know that he needs to come home soon because her well is running dry. Brenda is hanging out in the kitchen working on her eating disorder and these epic words are spoken: "Kinda makes you wonder what we're doing out here, doesn't it?" Yes, it really does. In fact, that might be the smartest thing that anyone on this show has ever said.
The rolling turd takes the Walshes to school and Brandon is finally introduced to It-Girl Kelly Taylor. I'm pretty sure Brandon already thinks Kels is a bitch but he'd still like to bang her if she promised to stay silent. Then again, we learned last episode that the Walsh twins don't bang anybody because no one fornicates in Minnesota. That type of behavior is saved for California, the sex capital of the world. In this scene Donna finally has a line instead of just sitting around like a twat, when she tells Brenda that her brother is dope. I guess everyone wants to ride the Brandon train after they saw his new hair. Steve pops by after Brandon leaves, looking more and more like a child predator, and reminds everyone that he dated Kelly for a year. God help us all.
Brandon pops into the newsroom to see his BFF Andrea, who refers to him as being an ace sportswriter. I wondered if I had missed an episode since I'm pretty sure that as of last week Brandon hadn't written jack shit for the newspaper, but I guess it doesn't take much to impress Andrea, the editor of the best high school newspaper in the United States. As an interesting assignment, Andrea tells Brandon that this week he's not going to write about sports -- he's writing about himself! I have to say, this is bound to be incredible.
David's sidekick, Lakers Kid, starts showing Brandon a new invention, which I'm pretty sure was just a computer, and then one of Tim Allen's kids from Home Improvement shows up and starts picking on the freshman nerd with his gang of white thugs. Out of the shadows appears a god-like creature, who stands up for Lakers Kid. I'm not sure where the hell he came from, but my eyes are very thankful. Brandon was clearly as entranced as I was, and he follows this heavenly being out of the classroom. When he finally tracks him down, Brandon decides that he totes wants to be friends with this stud-muffin. The boy introduces himself to Brandon as Dylan McKay, and they bond over being Irish-Americans. Gosh, I hope that this Dylan guy goes on to be a main character!
The two boys decide to go have lunch and they are transported back into Brandon's visualizations from the night before. It soon becomes clear to me that Dylan McKay was meant to be the star of Brandon's wet dream, and I can't say I blame him. The two boys lunch on the beach in a totally non-gay way, and Brandon meets some of Dylan's "friends" which include two fucking morons and some dumb slut. I can tell immediately that Brandon's totally into this ho and I can't help but get really annoyed on behalf of a one, Marianne Moore. By the way, where the fuck is Marianne?! I'm assuming that she never called Brandon back after he pretended to have slept with her. Some people are too sensitive.
It turns out that this beach slut is named Sarah, except everybody calls her Betty because she's just a woman so they can't be bothered to learn her name. I feel a little vindicated at this, since Gina and I tend to refer to every minor female character in this show as "silly ho" or "dumb slut." Anyway, Betty is 16-years-old but her boobs are approximately 65. Seriously. They hang down to her to waist.
Back at West Bev, Kelly is talking about all the money she likes to spend and forgets that Brenda is living off welfare, you know, since her dad has two families to support. So instead of offering to buy some shit for Brenda, It-Girl Kelly Taylor suggests that Brenda follows her around after school so she can watch her spend money. Fun!
Next thing you know we're inside the Sanders house and Steve is having dinner with his mother over the phone. Oh cool, another MIA parent. Why do these people even bother reproducing? On the phone, Steve's ass of a mother asks Daughter Steve to befriend David Silver, since his dad is a big producer and she wants to get a part in his next project. Steve agrees to do it and then promptly hangs up on his mom so that he can watch her tv show while he eats.
The Walsh twins are back at home with their single mother, and Brandon lies to that sorry bitch's face to go and hang out with Dylan when he should probably be writing his editorial. I'm not sure why he would have to lie though, since Brenda is allowed to go wandering around with dumbass Kelly and doesn't get in trouble for dating pedophiles, but whatever. Then Brenda starts telling her mother that she's going to make her own clothes because it seems so wasteful that Kelly buys designer clothing. Brenda says that the clothes aren't better, they're just more expensive. Clearly Brenda's simple, Minnesotan ass doesn't realize the extremely apparent difference between things like leather and pleather, but Mrs. Walsh is clearly impressed with Brenda wanting to save some money because now they can get off food stamps.
Brandon finally meets up with Dylan, who is accompanied by Betty and her pimps. Dylan turns out to be quite the enigma and Brandon is intrigued to find that he's an intellectual. Who would have thunk it? Dylan also reveals to Brandon that he wishes he could save Betty from her pimps but he doesn't know how. Then they all go to a hotel and Dylan breaks into one of the suites so that they can party in there. Brandon gets his panties in a twist because in Minnesota no one ever does anything wrong, and he doesn't relish the thought of breaking any type of rule or getting in trouble. He runs out in a huff but Dylan chases him down. Turns out that Dylan lives there when his parents are abroad - I'm sensing a trend here - and then Brandon gets mad because Dylan fakes being a G to impress the pimps and the ho. Then Brandon storms out and Dylan goes back to his party.
The next day Brandon brings Dylan up to Brenda. She tells her brother that she already knew all about who Dylan was, and that she heard he knocks up Parisians. Brandon's not totally buying what she's selling, but he starts hitting on her anyway and she's totally into it. Then Brenda invites Brandon to go to the beach with her, Kelly, and Kelly's bitches. Since Brandon likes being lame he keeps saying no and that he wants to stay at home with their mother. Finally he agrees to tag along.
When they get to the beach Brandon wanders out on his own and he runs into Betty and her pimps. It turns out that they're drunk assholes, and Brandon tells Betty that he liked her better sober. Dylan shows up soon after but he isn't drunk, he's just really sorry that he disappointed his new friend Brandon. The boys agree to meet up soon and Dylan heads off.
David is looking for Steve Sanders, and when he finally finds him, Steve tells David that his mother knows David's dad. David knows that this isn't true, but he so badly wants to be all up in Steve's bearded clam that he just plays along with it. Now he and Lakers Kid are so in.
Predictably, Kelly ditches Brenda because she takes too long to gather Brandon so they can leave. Now the Walsh twins have no ride home from the beach. All of sudden, Betty's drunk ass starts drowning. Brandon chases after her to save her life. Since all teenagers from Minnesota are CPR certified, Brandon begins to perform mouth-to-mouth on Betty. He then tells Brenda to call 911. Well, that solves the ride home problem.
At the hospital we find out that Betty is an alcoholic. Wow, didn't see that one coming. The doctor proclaims that the Walsh twins are heroes, and when their mother shows up he tells her she should be proud. Is this doctor an idiot? Look at the kind of people these two morons continue to associate themselves with. Mrs. Walsh is pissed that she had to cart her ass all the way to the hospital when it wasn't even her kids who almost drowned. She tells them "if this is a day in the life of your basic Beverly Hills family, we're moving back to Minnesota." Okay then.
Back at the beach, Brandon confronts Betty's pimps. He tries to make them feel bad for keeping their pimp hands strong, but it's to no avail. They start to fight but Dylan shows up and saves the day. Then he teaches the pimps a lesson by snapping their surfboard. Killer. He apologizes to Brandon for about the hundredth time, and I'm not even sure what the hell he's even supposed to be sorry about anymore. Saving Brandon's ass yet again? Being his only friend? Teaching him how to surf? Providing Brandon with the material he needed to write his editorial that Andrea assigned at the beginning of the episode? Oh heyyy!
Kelly is super sorry for ditching Brenda and she keeps calling the Walsh house every 5 minutes. What redeeming qualities does Brenda have that keeps Kelly coming back for more? I seriously have no idea. Brenda is being a bitch and ignoring the calls though, and Brandon finds this incredibly amusing. Then he asks his twin sister if she'll read his editorial entitled "The Green Room." She keeps stopping after every fucking word to be an annoying bitch and ask a thousand questions, but when she finally reads it through we find out that Brandon wrote about being a transfer student, and mentions the recent row of shit that he got himself into with Dylan's friends. Brenda is really impressed with Brandon's crap article and delivers to us the dopest quote of the episode, cited above. It is an incredibly appalling thing to say to your twin brother, but these two are fucking freaks. Then Brenda tells Brandon that she'll forgive Kelly... eventually.
Cut to a scene where Dylan is on the phone speaking French. Turns out that his parents suck ass and are always in Paris, ignoring their teenage son. Speaking of shitty parents, Steve's still got his meat curtains up David's butt on behalf of his mother. David reveals that his dad is actually an oral surgeon, not a producer, and Steve had the wrong kid all along. So after all that effort, his chia hole remains alone. What a shame.
At the end of the episode, Betty shows up at West Beverly where she's now going to school. Good to know that such an exclusive high school would let in a teenage alcoholic! She and Brandon have an extremely erotic exchange, which solidifies that Marianne Moore has just been dumped. In the final moments of the episode, Brandon becomes assured, as he always does, that they're gonna make it in Beverly Hills. We shall see, Brandon. We shall see.
See you next class-
M
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