"I think we're gonna need a raise in our allowance." -Brenda Walsh
So here we are. Season One, Episode One, Part One.Our story begins at the Walsh house, as the sun rises over Beverly Hills. Dreamboat Brandon Walsh is awoken by the most obnoxious godzilla-like alarm clock in the history of mankind. We wish he would just fucking wake up and turn that shit off. In one epic sentence, Brandon sets up the entire premise of the show -- "first day of school, strange city, new house, no friends, I'm psyched." Thanks for that, Bran!
Meanwhile, Brenda is rummaging through MC Hammer's wardrobe to try and find the perfect outfit for her first day at the one, the only, West Beverly High School. Bren and Bran give us our first glimpse of their awkward ass sibling relationship. Girl Walsh tells us that she was a loser back in their native Minnesota, but Brandon... he was the shit. Also in this conversation, Brandon tells his sister that she's cute and which top he'd like her to wear to school that day. But not only does Brenda have the wrong clothes, she also doesn't have the right hair. Unlike her brother. Check out this coif!!!
During the credits we are introduced to every California stereotype to ever exist. We're talking paparazzi, a woman in heels carrying a surfboard, and of course, the Cartier shop window.
The Walshs drive up to West Bev in Brandon's Batmobile, The Rolling Turd.
Brenda and Brandon realize that their poor ass family ain't living as large as the rest of Beverly Hills, and she-Walsh delivers the dopest quote of the episode, written above. We then cut back to the parking lot and meet Freshman David and his sidekick, whose name we've already forgotten. They're just pumped about all the hot new ass that high school has to offer. Then comes It-Girl Kelly Taylor driving up in her brand new convertible. She's greeted by Jock Strap Steve who turns out to be her ex-boyfriend. Awww shit. He then informs all of us that Kelly got a nose job over the summer and she herself is quite proud of it. We also get our first sex joke as Kelly expresses how glad she is that she dumped his white ass.
Moving ahead, It-Girl Kelly lies to a fat girl about saving Brenda a seat in Chemistry lab. She says she's being friendly, but really she's just a bitch. Bren is so totally psyched to have a friend, that she doesn't even care that Kelly is a self-proclaimed dumbass. Meanwhile, in Spanish class, we're introduced to the Bromance that will become Brandon & Steve. We are forced to read Spanish subtitles. On a tv show. We also learn that Steve is a racist.
We then meet Andrea, who we saw getting off the city bus earlier. She's the editor of the school paper, which is the "top ranked high school paper in the country," and Brandon wants to write for it. She tests his wits with a slew of dumbass questions to try and trick him into looking like a total douche, but after wasting our time for a solid three minutes, she allows him to write for the paper anyway. Probably because nobody else at that school could give a shit about writing. Beauty AND brains? Oh, Brandon.
Brenda totally ditches Brandon at lunch to hang out with her new bff, It-Girl Kelly Taylor, who informs Bren that she better lose a few pounds if she wants to fit in. We then watch two airplanes fly by advertising the Back-to-School Jam at Marianne Moore's house. Anybody who's anybody is gonna be there, even Freshman David is going to sneak in.
Brandon wants to go to the party with his sister, but she ditches him again for Kelly and her bitches.
So... he walks. But thankfully Steve drives up the road, and his afro follows closely after. He picks Brandon up on the side of the road and they head to the party together. Gosh, these popular kids are so accepting of new friends in their social circles!
Marianne's party is totally rad; it's catered, and it has a live band. Brandon and Kelly lock eyes for the first time, admitting separately to their friends that they think the other is cute. Kelly totally eye fucks him. Steve gets his quivering mound of love pudding all hurt when he notices, and he tells Brandon that it's totally not worth it since Kelly isn't all that great in the sack.
Brandon stalks over to the gazebo where he finds some ho sitting all alone. She thinks he's sexy, he thinks she's sexy and cute has gone right out the window. They talk about nothing but begin to slow dance as some awful 90s jazz porno music begins to play. Gotta set the mood. Turns out, this ho is Marianne Moore, kids. Marianne Moore! It's HER fucking party! Why is she sitting alone in the gazebo?! Oh, we find out why. She hates her life. But she seductively gives Brandon her digits by writing it in lipstick up his arm. Brandon gets hard.
Steve is being a drunk asshole and keeps trying to get with Kelly, but she is not having any of his meat flap. Get over it, Steve. He then shouts that she is the biggest bitch at West Beverly High, and he reminds us for the millionth time that he should know since he dated It-Girl Kelly Taylor for a year.
Freshman David realizes that Steve's last name is Sanders, as in Samantha Sanders, who is apparently a television star and David's favorite actress. He thinks she's the coolest and the best mom ever, which only pisses Steve off more. What this little scene boils down to, is that David, who doesn't look a day over twelve, has to drive Steve's drunk ass home in his fancy sports car. When the police pull up next to them on the road, David, the master of disguise, puts on Steve's entire football uniform, including helmet. Because that's not weird.
They get home all right, until David forgets to put the car in park, since ya know, he doesn't have a license. So the car rolls down the hill and crashes into another. What does David do? He runs away. Best decision he's made all night.
Jump back inside The Rolling Turd and fast forward to Monday morning. Brenda informs us that Dreamboat Brandon hasn't stopped talking about his gazebo ho all weekend. Steve is on a hunt to find the kid who did him a favor and drove his drunk ass home, so he can beat him up. Cut to Chemistry, where the two newest felons, Kelly and Brenda, are chalking Brenda's ID so she can totally go clubbing with them later. Who even knows what a Minnesota license looks like, anyway?
Brandon's ho is sitting alone at the school fountain eating her sushi. He joins her with his PB & J and they plan a date for the weekend. He first suggests Paris, and that silly ho takes him seriously. Apparently there's no room for jokes in the 90210. He then has to deal with Andrea all up on his grill about making deadlines for the paper. He asks her why she's such a square, and she acts like a pretentious bitch. Then she gives him advice on where to take his ho on a date. Guess that means that Andrea is Brandon's first real friend in the BH.
Later that night, Brenda gets ready for her big night out at the club. She lectures her mother about Beverly Hills glam, and tells that sweet woman who birthed her that she may borrow her make-up any time she wants. Mrs. Walsh is not a fan of make-up. Kelly and her bitches pick up Brenda and they head off to the club.
The guy from Blood Diamond lets Brenda in with her Minnesota license, but It-Girl Kelly Taylor gets DE-NIED. Maybe she shouldn't have made her ID out of paper. Brenda is already inside the club, and then Kelly and Donna split, leaving Brenda on her own. Oh shit! What's going to happen to Brenda?! And that's the end of Part One.
We'll see you later for Part Two!
M&G
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