Season 1, Episode 5: One On One

“I’m not a cowboy and you’re not a gangbanger crack head.” –Brandon Walsh

Sup, Friends!

This episode starts where the last one left off, Brandon and Mr. Walsh playing basketball. There is a painfully slow montage of basketballs flying into hoops that makes you wonder why people didn’t just change the channel right away. Those who did make it through the montage were rewarded at least. Check out the pit stains on Dad. 

Tryouts for the West Beverly basketball team are coming up and Brandon is going to try out. He was quite the athlete back in Minnesota if you’ll recall. Brenda comes outside in a huffy because Brandon is always running late to school. She’s calls him Magic and then runs inside to bitch to Mom. She wants her own car so that she can take control of her own destiny. Bitch doesn’t even have a license. 

During the ride to school, Brenda bitches to Brandon about his driving. It’s too slow, they’re always late…wah, wah, wah. She needs to chill the fuck out. I think she’s still holding a grudge because Brandon cashed in his v-card last week to some chick that wasn’t her.

At school, Brenda has a weird exchange with Kelly and Donna in the courtyard. I’m pretty sure the only words exchanged were “so” and “byee.” Yes, byee. The transformation is nearly complete. In fact, Andrea agrees. She tells Brandon that Brenda has gone totes Beverly Hills. She also squashes his dream of playing basketball by telling him he’s too short. Good one, Andrea, that’ll really get him to want to bang you.

Speaking of dream squashers, Steve is back in this episode. I knew it was too good to last. He’s trying out for the team too, and is there to give us lots of info on the team and the other hopefuls. Ready? OK, go. 

1. The West Beverly High School team is the greatest basketball team to ever exist. Forget the Lakers, forget the Celtics, forget Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls.
2. The West Bev crew have been champions 4 years in a row.
3. The black kids are all extremely good. Insert stereotype joke here.
4. There’s no point trying out because the team is fixed in advance.

Steve also passes along this gem about himself, “(The coach) practically told me, I’m practically a lock.” Yeah, maybe for the girls team. 

Meanwhile, in a scene that would make Danica Patrick weep, Brenda fantasizes about being a racecar driver.  

 She tries to lie about flunking drivers training when signing up for lessons, but her classically New York Jewish teacher can’t be fooled. C’mon! She’s already failed the class three times. She should probably invest in a bus pass.

At the tryouts, Brandon faces off against Steve and makes him look like the little pussy that he is, stealing the ball and completing an assist. He even scores some baskets. Brandon is amazing at basketball.

The instructor takes Brenda to practice driving in a parking lot with cones as a guide. She’s so happy he’s her teacher. He should look out. He’s about the right age and profession for an oncoming Brenda romance.

Back at West Bev, the results of the tryouts are posted: Brandon made it to round two and Steve did not. This decision sets Steve’s beaver on FIRE. He starts ranting about how all the minorities in the school don’t actually live in West Beverly. There is a special program they use to attend certain classes. Rigging in athletics!? This is completely unheard of. Steve is so angry he tells Brandon, “you can quote me on that!” Of course Brandon is going to write an article about it. He is an investigative journalist after all. And very impressionable! 

That night, Brenda has It-Girl-Kelly-Taylor over for dinner. Dad is busy giving Brandon a pep talk about being a winner which really pisses Brenda off. What a mood she’s been in lately! I don’t know guys, I think she really did take all that Cheryl nonsense rather hard. That, or she really is just a little bitch. She and Kelly totally split from the table and retreat to the kitchen.

While Kelly totally takes advantage of the Walshs hospitality by making a lengthy phone call to her gigolo, Brandon comes in and tells Brenda to get off his balls.

After Brandon leaves, Brenda studies Spanish while Kelly shops in a catalogue. Kelly wants Brenda to go on a blind date to the Janet Jackson concert with some rich loser she likes to use for his money. At least they’ll be going in a limo. Brenda says no. Kelly storms off to the bathroom to check her makeup.

From inside the bathroom, she hears Brandon talking to himself. She spies on him acting like a four year old pretending to play basketball for the Lakers. He notices her watching and they exchange a look. Oh, it’s on.

At school the next day, David starts telling people about the flu he had last week. I think maybe the writers thought he needed to be in the episode just to earn his paycheck this week. It makes no sense except to infer that David is an attention whore.

Steve finds Brandon on campus and tells him about how much he loves Larry Byrd and the Celtics even though he is a Los Angeles native. “Us Irish guys have got to stick together, you know how it is.” Um, yeah, Steve, we know how it is. I’m starting to think Steve is a little bit racist.

In tech class, Brandon witnesses one of the black all star basketball players, James, getting an extension on his homework. That, compounded with Steve’s racist influence leaves Brandon feeling all hot and bothered. 

He confronts Andrea and tells her about the rigged Applied Learning program and how these kids are from out of district so they shouldn’t even be there. He wants her to write an article about it. Andrea gets all huffy and tells him this is about race. Hey, remember that episode where Brandon follows Andrea’s bus for like 7 hours? Yeah she’s from out of district too! Isn’t the mark of a good journalist knowing your audience? Andrea delivers us a line that was almost the dopest quote of the episode, “Steve Sanders is a spoiled slut who doesn’t come close to being a credible news source.” Best thing that dork has ever said.

Brandon begs her to write it anyway and she’s so hopelessly hot for him that she agrees.

In Brenda’s second lesson, she starts to feel comfortable driving... until she gets into an accident. She thought she had driven by Henry Winkler and was distracted. Maybe the teacher shouldn’t have pointed him out? And anyway, wasn’t Fonzie old in the 70’s? 

Dad shows up at the second round of tryouts, thoroughly embarrassing Brandon. If only he was wearing that teal tracksuit, it could have been really special. After the tryout we learn that Dad talked to the coach, who said he was very impressed with Brandon. That’ll look great for Brandon if he’s picked over everyone else.

Andrea waits creepily in distance while Brandon says goodbye to his dad. She has some very important news. She discovered that there are no records for James in the Applied Learning program. Not only is not a citizen of West Bev, he never took the required math and reading placement test to get in. He has no GPA! Talk about a scandal!

Brandon confronts James about the fixing. James tells him that he wouldn’t care about any of this if James was white. Now there’s a race issue in the 90210.

Back at home, Mom and Dad get ready for a big night out on the town. Dad reminisces about his good ol’ championship basketball days. He’s thinking so hard he doesn’t even remark on Mrs. Walsh’s swanky new dress. Damn, Mother Walsh! Where you been hiding that body?

Brandon makes a remark in passing about going to work the late shift that night. When Mr. Walsh gets upset, Brandon reminds him that he needs to earn money for his car insurance. Dad’s true colors are about to come out now. He tells Brandon that he will pay the car insurance if Brandon makes the team. He then goes on to say that student athletes deserve a little more for all the extra work they put in. This completely outrages Mom. Brandon ponders this new knowledge of his dad.

After Brandon takes his bike to work, Brenda receives a phone call from Kelly. She needs rescuing. The concert was cancelled and her date is a drunk. Brenda reminds Kelly that she doesn’t have a license. Kelly don’t care. If Brenda doesn’t show up, friendship over.

Brenda decides to take Brandon’s car, which we’ve learned has a name: Mondale. That’s right history buffs, Brandon named his car after Walter Mondale, the man from Minnesota who may have been one of the worst vice presidents of these here fifty states. Ironic, that the rolling turd was named after one.

While driving Mondale Turd, Brenda tries talking to herself to calm her nerves. She’s doing fine until the car runs out of gas. Seriously? How did she not realize the car was low on gas!? There’s a handy little light that tells you when you’re low! Hey, here’s a thought. Maybe that’s why Brandon rode his bike to work! Honestly, this show!

Brenda walks to the nearest gas station to get some gas, but after she talks to the attendant, she realizes she left her wallet at home! Instead of telling her that nothing is free in this world, he says, “Things happen,” and then follows her back to the car with some gas. He probably thought he’d get to bone her. When they get back though, the car is gone. Holy shit! Someone stole the rolling turd!
 

Brandon stops by the public library on his way home from work and spots James alone at a table studying. Brandon confronts him again and James gets all defensive. He tells Brandon that his father works at the West Beverly City Library, which gives him the right to use the library facility and any other government entities in the district. Wow, Brandon, don’t you look like an asshole. James isn’t even part of the applied studies program! Brandon wants James to know that he isn’t rich. either, thinking they have a bonding point. James says it doesn’t matter because Brandon is still white and then calls him a racist. Can’t blame him for that one. Just because you’re black, doesn’t mean you can’t live in a rich neighborhood. 

  

After that stressful and emotionally draining encounter, Brandon comes home to discover that his beloved Mondale Turd has been thieved! What a night. He handles it way too calmly though, not even raising his voice or throwing any kind of tantrum. Isn’t he supposed to be Brenda’s twin? Dad tells him to only worry about the tryout, they’ll get him another car. That statement only pisses Brandon off more. He’s sick of all these double standards and stereotypes!

He goes to Brenda’s room for some sweet loving comfort and finds out that this whole thing was her fucking fault! She swears she’ll pay him back as long as he doesn’t tell mom. Is that a fucking joke? Brandon calls her out on all her selfish bullshit telling her the only thing she cares about is Kelly and Beverly Hills and frankly he’s bored. Brenda explains, “How was she supposed to know the car was low on gas?” Brandon tells her she’s a fucking useless waste of space and there’s a gas gauge.

 

In a moment maybe just as infuriating, Brenda has an epiphany of why she’s afraid to drive. That’s what she’s thinking about in this moment? Someone’s mom got into an accident when she was little and then Brenda couldn’t go over to play with the kid for a while. What an asshole.  

She apologizes to Brandon about the basketball tryouts and he tells her to stop being a shallow bitch.

The next day, Brandon finds himself alone in the gym with James. They start practicing together and put all their shit on the table. Brandon admits that he wanted to believe the worst of James so that he had a better shot of making the team, not because James is black. He never had to deal with racial issues like this in Minnesota. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t grow up on a coast. 

Brandon then delivers the dopest quote of the episode, “I’m not a cowboy and you’re not a gangbanger crack head. We’re just two guys from the same school, battling for the same spot on the same team.” They’re so similar!

James says Brandon is great and they play one on one. Everything’s cool.

Brenda is still fixated on this driving thing and thinks she’s incapable of learning. Her teacher, still scarred from the last outing tells her to try walking. She makes him take her driving anyway. What a selfish asshole. 

Brandon tells Andrea there is no story. The black kids and Brandon are cool now. They share nods across the courtyard. Out of nowhere, Steve shows up and says, “Don’t let them intimidate you. This is our school.” Brandon replies, “Only in your mind, Steve.” He forgets to add, “And you’re a racist.”

Mr. Walsh makes it home from work in the daylight hours and finds the family having a picnic. Brandon tells him he made the B team and that he is sorry. Dad tells him that he is proud anyway. 

  

During this loving exchange, the rolling turd shows up. It wasn’t stolen, it was towed! Since, ya know, Brenda left it in an intersection. She also left the keys in the ignition. Her keychain. Busted. What a dumbass.Also to note, boy does the turd look a little different than it did in episode one!

Until next time, byeeee!

G

Season 1, Episode 4: The First Time

"Brandon, you are an amazing lover." -Cheryl

Hello comrades!

So this episode was called "The First Time." At first I had high hopes for it, but then I remembered what I was watching.

Episode 4 begins with the longest credits known to man, then cuts to a scene where Brandon is standing half naked in the bathroom. Of course his lover twin sister is hanging out in there with him, and in an attempt to appear like less of a moron, Brenda and her tiny pajamas listen attentively as Brandon talks about air quality index. Brandon is seriously concerned that it isn't safe to breathe in California. I can't say I totally blame him, because I've seen 2012 and those bitches are the first to go. He continues to list why Minnesota was greater than California, which is just as boring as it sounds. At the heart of this worthless argument is that Minneapolis doesn't have to worry about air quality index... or earthquakes. What an exciting place!

Next thing you know, the phone rings. Much to Brenda's dismay, it's not It-Girl Kelly Taylor, her bestest pal on this earth, but Brandon's ex-ho Cheryl from Minneapolis. How ironic! Brandon was just talking about Minneapolis! The ho calls in the middle of the night to let Brandon know that she's going to show up the next day and plans on staying at his house for the weekend. Well, at least she didn't just show up unannounced.

The next day at West Beverly, Brandon asks his slave-driver Andrea if he can skip writing an article for the paper this week. Andrea knows something must be up because the biggest game of the year is happening this weekend, and Brandon is the greatest sports writer that the school has ever known. Brandon reveals that his ex-ho is visiting, and Andrea is shocked to learn that Brandon was holding out on this ho for a year. Brandon also reveals to Andrea that he dumped Cheryl's ass because he doesn't believe in long distance relationships. Sure, Brandon. That and all the California tail you were looking to land once you arrived on the west coast.

In a different wing of West Bev, It-Girl Kelly Taylor, Brenda and Donna are all salivating in the hallway while gawking at their algebra teacher. During their asinine conversation, they talk about how he should be a ski instructor or a lifeguard, which is not at all inappropriate or creepy. The teacher then tells Brenda that class would empty without her, and she explodes in her pants. When the class ends, the teacher calls Brenda over to him because he wants to talk to her about something. Brenda then has a sick, fucked up fantasy where he asks her to run away with him. It's incredibly appalling. When we are finally allowed back in reality and out of Brenda's sick mind, we find out that the man just wanted her to babysit for him and his wife. Seriously Brenda, how many older men are you trying to have thrown in jail?! I think you need to seek therapy.

Dylan wore pajamas to school. This has nothing to do with the story, but it absolutely needs to be documented.

After Brandon quickly tells his BFF Dylan that Cheryl is coming to visit, David Silver shows up out of the blue to offer Brandon advice. This gets super awkward really quickly, as the 12-year-old David seems like he's trying to offer sex advice. Brandon tries not to be interested in what David has to say, but he's been having a dry spell since Marianne Moore, and really needs David's reassurance that he's gonna get it on with Cheryl. David has nothing of value to say, and pisses off after two minutes.

Cheryl shows up at the Walsh house hours before expected just because she felt like taking an earlier flight. When the twins get home from school she runs outside to greet them. Either that or she's running from Mrs. Walsh, who she's been running her mouth for the last hour while Cheryl was stuck listening. I have to say, I don't feel bad. This ho needs to learn time management. Brandon doesn't seem to care though, and after Brenda gives her an ass-out hug, Brandon kisses his ho right in front of his mother.

The two of them are up in Brandon's room, still making out, and the sexual urges are so overwhelming I want to vomit. Mrs. Walsh comes in like the major cock block she is, and the two of them head downstairs to hang out with the rest of the family. Later that night, Cheryl is supposed to sleep in Brenda's room. As they set up her cot, the two girls gossip about Minnesota and students that marry teachers. This prompts Brenda to tell Cheryl how much she wants to be a home wrecker so she can bone her teacher. Brenda says that her teacher is the cutest guy at school. I know this to be wildly inaccurate. Dylan McKay goes to that school.

Cheryl then takes a shower, and right after she gets out and wraps herself in a towel Brandon comes in with only his underwear on. Brandon, seriously? The two of them start making out. It's filthy. Then Brandon, always a smooth talker, propositions his ho to come to his room in an hour. Cheryl is worried that Brandon's parents might hear them doing it, but he assures her that they're heavy sleepers and will have no idea that he's banging her in the next room. Cheryl says she's waited so long to have Brandon inside her that she wants it to be special. He assures her that it will be, and tells her not to say no. This is super forward of Brandon, especially after he was such a prude with Marianne Moore.

After many moments of pondering what to do all throughout the night, Cheryl leaves behind a sleeping Brenda and goes into Brandon's room. In an surprise turn of events, it's the ho who has to ask if Brandon has protection, to which he responds, "Of course! That's the problem... lots of protection but no one to protect." What the hell does that even mean? Before Brandon even gets it in, his mother apparently hears the two lovebirds making out. She feels the need to wake up her husband so that she can annoy him with the subject. Mrs. Walsh wants to go in there to check on them, but Mr. Walsh tells her not to. I assume that he has a general understanding that walking in on your only son giving it to someone will fuck you up for the rest of your life. The lights fade out, and it looks like Brandon has finally got laid.

The sun comes up and Brandon is blasting a song called "In the Mood" all throughout the house. What a moron. The ho comes downstairs, and the two of them start making out in kitchen. Brenda walks in on them. That must be awkward for her. Cheryl tells Brandon that she wants to go see celebrities so he offers to drive her around Beverly Hills in his rolling turd so that she can look at movie stars' houses. Afterward they go to dinner at the restaurant at the hotel where Dylan lives. When Brandon goes to the bathroom, the ho makes Dylan's ears bleed about her celebrity obsession. He tells her that he can get the three of them into a club called Contact so that they can see movie stars. If I didn't know any better I would have thought that Cheryl then responds by giving Dylan the bedroom eyes, but she's so totally devoted to Brandon.

Back at the Walsh house, Cheryl is getting ready for a party in da club. Brenda is next to her, getting ready to go babysit for her algebra teacher. Mama Walsh still bitching about Brandon to Papa Walsh. She makes him agree to go have "the talk" with Brandon, but Dylan arrives and the three idiots run out the door before he gets the chance.

When the three kids get outside, Cheryl decides to ditch Brandon so that she can ride with Dylan in his Porsche. Brandon gets his panties in a twist. His best friend drives off with his girl, and Brandon is has to drive Brenda to her teacher's house in the rolling turd. Brandon tells Brenda that he thinks Dylan and the ho are acting weird. Brenda tells him that he's paranoid, but Brandon is totes convinced that Cheryl just doesn't want his poor ass. After Brandon drops her off, Brenda goes inside her teachers house, and we immediately learn that his wife is a bitch, his daughter is a pretentious brat who thinks she doesn't need a babysitter and his son is annoying as fuck.

Outside of Contact, there is a line of bitches complaining to the bouncer that they're tired of waited and want to be let in. Brandon walks up to the door, jumps over the barrier and walks right inside like the BAMF that he is. He finds Dylan and Cheryl breaking it down on the dance floor and starts screaming at Dylan and the ho stalks off. Brandon says that Dylan is hitting on his girlfriend and continues this incessant yelling until Dylan says he didn't hit on Cheryl, but it was actually the ho herself who hit on Dylan. In response to this, Brandon punches Dylan in the face.

Dylan tells Brandon that he better figure out who his friends are and peaces out. Brandon goes and finds Cheryl at bar where she's getting her drunk on. Brandon tells her that she's had one too many. She basically tells him what a controlling cock he is, and that he don't know her or what she been through, because it's been 6 months since they've seen each other. She tells him that sex won't make them closer, but will actually tear them apart. She reveals to Brandon that she knows this because she had already done it before. Brandon totally got played! He's completely crushed and the ho storms off to get on the next bus back to Minneapolis. Goodbye!

While babysitting, the teacher's son tells Brenda that his daddy has a penis. Little does this poor child know that Brenda is extremely aware of that fact, and probably dreams about it at night. All of a sudden, Kelly and Donna show up to make this show even worse. The kids start annoying the hell out of the girls, and we cut back to a scene in the club. Brandon is running outside, chasing after his ex-ho. Turns out that she's already jumped inside a taxi and is already rolling away in it

Back at Mr. Algebra's house, and It-Girl Kelly Taylor has snagged a photo album out of his underwear drawer. These girls are so fucking weird. In what world is this okay?! The teacher and his bitch of a wife come home early and catch the girls looking at the photos. Strangely enough, he makes excuses for his students, even though they're clearly nosy bitches. He then asks Brenda how much he owes her for the night, and in the car ride home the bitches are totally convinced that the teacher wants Bren.

Brenda gets to her room and finds her crazy mother cleaning up all of Cheryl's stuff. Brenda asks what the hell is going on, and Mrs. Walsh tells her idiot daughter that Cheryl ran the fuck away from Minnesota without telling anyone where she was going. Her parents called Walshes because she had been missing for three days. This ho is nuts! Brandon goes to Dylan with his tail between his legs, and finds out that Cheryl is at Dylan's hotel room... puking in the bathroom. Dylan leaves the room to let the two lovebirds talk, and the ho gives Brandon a sob story about how she hates her step dad, her mom and her real dad, who never calls her. Apparently Minnesota is also full of absentee parents! She says that being with Brandon and his family makes everything in her life better, and that's why she ran away. So basically, she has serious fucking issues. Brandon tells her that he didn't know things were bad. His idea of fixing things is then to call room service to get lots of ice cream. I'm sure dairy is really helpful after you've been puking your brains out.

The two idiots go back to the Walsh house and the ho goes upstairs to call her mother. Mama Walsh announces to the whole family that she's sure that Brandon totally did it last night. Brenda, who is clearly heartbroken, starts bitching because Brandon never gets in trouble and she always does. Um, excuse me? Can we please recap on all the things that Brenda has gotten away with?! Almost arrested for shoplifting, going on secret dates with an older man that she met in a club, being friends with Kelly Taylor! What an idiot. Papa Walsh wants to talk to Brandon about this whole thing, but he says that he'll talk to his father tomorrow when he's feeling up to it. Brandon the tells his sister that there was this huge gap between the Cheryl that he wanted her to be and the person that she really is. Brandon then tells Brenda he's ready to say goodbye to that dumb ho.

The next morning, Brandon's ho says she's flying home and refuses to accept any of Brandon's help. Brandon tells her that the whole thing was quite an experience, and the dumb bitch finally apologizes to him. She then proceeds to drone on and on about how when they made love together it was special, and even though it wasn't her first time, it still felt different, and the way that she always imagined it would. Apparently she's still talking, and tells him that her feelings for him are so intense that she'll never forget how he held her right after he made her see God. Brandon has clearly heard none of that, and all he wants to know is who she lost it to. Who was it Cheryl?!?! She tells him that it doesn't matter because it was meaningless. She says that their love affair helped her realize something, but she's cut off when she has to go to the airport.

Brandon then dramatically pretends to chase after Cheryl, even though she's actually only 4 steps ahead of him on the staircase. He wants to know what she realized, and Cheryl delivers to us the dopest quote of the episode, when she announces, "Brandon, you are an amazing lover." Naturally, Brenda is PISSED because she wanted Brandon to herself. Then the ho leaves and we never see her again.

The final scene shows Brandon playing basketball with his dad. I'm sorry, but I have to point out that Mr. Walsh is a hairy beast. Seriously, he's like a gorilla. It is so distracting that I couldn't even listen to the dialogue for most of it. I did catch the end though, and Brandon asks if King Kong is trying to talk to him about sex. He tells his son that he's actually trying to discuss the subject of love. Brandon confirms that he did have sex and for his father to tell his mother that they were careful. The two exchange loving glances at the confirmation that Brandon lost his virginity. What the fucking hell am i watching?!?! The episode ends with Mighty Joe Young and Brandon playing basketball like the happy and loving father-son duo they are.

Wow.

So normally I'd give that episode half a star, but after writing the blog I realized something. This episode had a total lack of Steve's hoo-ha. BEST EPISODE EVER!

Later!


M

Season 1, Episode 3: Every Dream Has It’s Price (Tag)

"It's hard for us in the Golden Ghetto to understand that need."
-West Beverly High School English Teacher

Hey everyone!

Sorry about the delay in posting. I’ve been having a pretty gnarly time with my family over the holidays, but I’m ready to get back to class! 

This episode sort of marks the beginning of when shit starts to get real up in the 90210. Shoplifting, illegal immigrations, poor working conditions… I hope you guys are ready for this heavy stuff.

Once again, the episode starts at the Walsh house. Brenda is in her room, using Brandon to practice bitching at her mother to let her go on a ridiculously expensive twilight horseback riding trip with It Girl Kelly Taylor. She sucks at parental manipulation and Brandon has to teach her how it’s done. Play to the heart Bren, it’s all about spinning the words. 

Once Brenda does finally grow a pair, she gets completely shot down by Mrs. Walsh. Apparently $120 is too much money to spend on something so silly. It sucks to be poor in the 90210. 

Brenda tells her that she is completely ridiculous for not letting her do the things the rich kids are doing. How else will she fit in? Mrs. Walsh sees this as the perfect opportunity to teach a life lesson about appearances, but Brenda acts like the infamous honey badger… she just don’t give a shit. Too bad she’s not the real honey badger of the family though or we could have been saved a lot of grief throughout the years.

The kids leave for school and Mrs. Walsh is left to contemplate this horrible mess she’s found herself in. Her thoughts are interrupted by a woman speaking Spanish to her. Mrs. Walsh no habla Español, so, at the end of the conversation she finds herself with a new cleaning lady. There are two things to note here. 1. A Mexican cleaning lady in California? Yeah, that’s not racist. 2. Hiring a maid when you’ve just told your daughter you’re poor? That’s not hypocritical. It had to be said.

Meanwhile, at West Bev, there’s a new ho in the in-crowd and she’s attached herself to It Girl Kelly Taylor. Brenda is mad jealz as she hears them talking about the fancy cars daddy bought them. Looks like Brenda may have been replaced by a richer, cooler, skankier model.  

Back at the Walsh house, Mr. and Mrs. Walsh talk over the phone about the cleaning lady. Mr. Walsh is clearly swamped at work but Mrs. Walsh doesn’t care. She’s pissed about her miserable life in the 90210 and she’s going to let him hear it.  Mr. Walsh is just telling her about how everyone else in Beverly Hills has a cleaning lady when the phone cuts out. Are the Walshs so poor they can’t pay the phone bill?

In English class, they’re reading Les Miserables. Finally a class other than Chemistry and Spanish! The teacher starts waxing poetic about Jean Valjean and how one decision can change your whole destiny. Kelly and the new ho giggle in the back, but Brenda is eating this shit for breakfast. Isn't that ironic? Kelly and the new ho would never need to steal a loaf of bread to survive, but Brenda just may have to. 

The teacher generalizes for the 90210 crowd by saying, “It’s hard for us in the Golden Ghetto to understand that need.” Isn't that so dope? Preach sister, preach. 

She assigns a paper to be due Monday about how one event can change a life. I don’t know if you guys know much about Les Mis as a book, but it’s like 4 million pages long. How the hell does this teacher expect these kids to complete that assignment by Monday? This is the 90210, not Harvard. There are parties to attend, shopping trips to take, and twilight horseback riding excursions to go on! I dunno guys, I’m stressing out just thinking about it.

At the end of the day, the new ho, Tiffany, decides to go shopping with Kelly and Brenda. Brenda tries to point out that she po, but Tiff says no worries. She won’t be buying anything either. If that’s not foreshadowing, I don’t know what is. A conversation about stealing, a shady new character, and a line about going to a store and coming away empty handed in the 90210? Maybe the writers thought we wouldn’t catch on so soon...

Anywho, let’s move on to the more attractive, intelligent, and likeable twin, Brandon. Andrea creams herself when she finds out he’s job hunting to pay for car insurance. So responsible! So different from the other boys...

Cue the trippy montage of Brandon getting denied everywhere while depressing Jazz music plays in the background! 

The very last place on his list is a fancy restaurant. For some reason the lady decides to give him a shot. Personally, I think his boyish good looks had something to do with it.

At the mall, Steve gives David cologne advice. This is obviously a filler just so that we can learn about how Tiff and Kelly used to be BFFLs before they had a huge falling out. There’s no other need for Steve to be talking about his Vagisil Cleanser.

As the shop, Brenda tries to start up an intelligent conversation with Tiff and Kelly about one event changing a whole life. Is she really trying to talk about the assignment while shopping? Does she not realize who she is with? Sometimes, Brenda, I worry about you.

Neither of the two can form an intelligent answer so they decide to try on clothes instead. This gives Tiffany the perfect opportunity to show us who she really is: a dirty thief. Brenda, Tiffany, and Tiffany’s stolen goods leave the store while Kelly pays. Kelly Taylor being the honorable one? My how the tables have turned.

The next morning, the cleaning lady shows up at the Walsh house. Once again, Mr. Walsh is too busy at work to deal with the crazy that he calls his wife. Upstairs, Brenda struggles with her closet again. What is her deal? Nothing in there has changed, and that hat still doesn’t look good.

Back at school, Steve gets the 411 on Brandon’s new job. Steve’s cooter get’s moist as he thinks about Brandon working in a swanky restaurant for a hot older woman. Brandon tries to squash the desire by saying, “I’m a waiter, not a lover.” Give it time.

Brenda is still contemplating Les Mis and the theme of stealing. Why on earth would the teacher assign her this book? It’s so aggravating when Brenda tries to think deeply. She’s too self involved to be a deep thinker. This time, she’s contemplating who is more guilty: the person who doesn’t want to steal but has to, or the person who wants to steal but doesn’t. Um, come on, really? I can’t take this shit seriously.

Back at home, Mrs. Walsh befriends the maid. After all, she needs a friend in the 90210 too.

After school, David creepily videos the girls. Tiff is all about it. In a move that would make Paris Hilton proud, she takes off her dress for David, making him wonder which teen god it was that answered his prayers. 

While Tiffany is distracted by her future career in the porn industry, Brenda asks Kelly why she and Tiff ever had a rift. Looks like Tiffany was just too wild for It Girl Kelly Taylor.

Tiff and Brenda make plans to hang out, but first they need to stop at the Walsh house so Tiff can check out the digs. That’s not all she does there, though. First she catches Mrs. Walsh cleaning and scoffs about that, then she insults Brenda by calling her house cozy, (that’s rich people talk for small), and finally, she hides her stolen goods in Brenda’s closet. Bitch alert! 

We shouldn’t be too upset though. It turns out Tiffany is a victim of an absent mother. What else is new? What are all of the moms up to in the 90210 that they can’t take care of their kids? Seriously, if I had a dollar for every absent parent on this show, I might be able to buy all that shit Tiffany stole.

While Brenda is chilling with her new bitchy friend, Brandon is showing up 15 minutes early for his new job. What a good kid! His boss is all surprised that someone is early and answers the door in lingerie.

After she decides it’s OK for him to be early, she starts making all sorts of sexual innuendo. Brandon is going to be getting his hands into tight places. Well, she certainly can’t be talking about herself.

Turns out Brandon won’t be waiting tables, he’ll be working in the back with the illegal immigrants.

It must be the weekend, because Kelly is about to go on her horseback riding trip. Tiff thinks Kelly is totes lame for skipping out on shopping to ride on a horse. There are much better things to ride… That was the problem with hers and Kelly’s friendship before. Kelly was just too controlling and boring. Alright Tiff, well, have fun with Brenda.

This opens the door for some serious bonding time between Brenda and Tiff. Brenda talks about her Minnesota BFF and Tiff thinks that Brenda is from the “real world.” Oh good, so we’re all agreed that the 90210 is on a radical different level.

At the restaurant, Brandon gets a reality check when he finds out that the busboys don’t get a share of the tips. However, there are worse discoveries in store...   

While shopping, Brenda and Tiff bitch about the ridiculous prices. Then Tiff uses Brenda as a decoy while she steals more shit. 

This time, it doesn’t work and she’s caught! Brenda feels totally used and abused as she gets taken to the back for holding, along with her sneaky friend. Tiffany claims she was doing it for Brenda because she knew her cajones would never be big enough to actually go through with it.

At the Walsh house, Brandon gets home from work, exhausted. The grownup Walshs barely have time to remark on what an amazing son they have when the phone rings. That’s right, you guessed it, they have to go and pick up their thief of a daughter. 

Brandon sticks up for his lover twin and Mr. Walsh claims that is must be Tiffany’s fault. That’s pretty observant for someone who’s never around his kids.

Back at the store, Tiffany tries to use the fact that she’s rich to get out of trouble. She offers to pay for the goods that she stole and voila! Money makes the world go round. Too bad Brenda’s parents were already called! It must be tough for the Walsh twins to have the only parents in Beverly Hills. 

Mr. and Mrs. Walsh begin to reprimand Brenda which really makes Brenda fly off the handle. She didn’t do anything wrong!

The next morning, Mr. and Mrs. Walsh (who have had a surprising amount of airtime this episode) power walk while they discussing their thief of a daughter. Mr. Walsh sports an entirely teal jogging suit. As if being poor wasn’t bad enough.

Mr. Walsh says that people with money are the worst thieves of all. He is totally on Brenda’s side.

Over the phone, Kelly tells Brenda that Tiffany is a klepto and says something about her taking Steve. What? What is it about Steve’s hair milkshake that brings all the girls to the yard?

While Brenda turns to Brandon for comfort, the maid finds the stolen clothes Tiff put in Brenda’s closet. Boy does that really grind Mrs. Walsh’s gears. Brenda tries to convince her that she is innocent but Mrs Walsh doesn't believe her. I wonder why not? Brenda decides that if her mother is going to think the worst of her than she isn’t going to bother explaining. That sounds like rational logic and something a completely innocent person would do.

Brenda cries about how hard her life is. She can’t blend in without new clothes but her mother can have a maid!? She wanted to steal! She really did, but she couldn’t do it! Well Brenda, it turns out mom has a hard life too. She’s stuck in the house all day with no one to talk to but her asshole daughter.

Brandon shows up ten minutes late to work and the boss aint happy. She says she’s going to dock his pay which thoroughly surprises Brandon. Yesterday he was fifteen minutes early! Well, I don’t know of many part time jobs where being early one day means you can be late the next, but, to each his own I guess.

Brenda confronts Tiffany at her home where she is lounging by the pool with strange boys she doesn’t know. She tries to play the absent parent card, where her daily life consists of threats to be shipped to Swiss boarding school and trips to Rome. Clearly they come from different worlds.

Dylan is eating at Brandon’s restaurant. Oh, hey Dylan, thanks for stopping by! This is the best moment of the episode. Brandon finds out the foreigners aren’t making minimum wage and he is not going to stand for it. He basically tells his boss to fuck off, says he’s an undercover reporter, quits, and joins Dylan for dinner. He sits down at Dylan’s table! Brandon Walsh is the true honey badger of the Walsh family. He is also a BAMF.

He and Dylan decide to split and go somewhere better…. THE PEACH PIT!!!!!!! Yes! I’ve been waiting for this! Brandon tells his troubles to the owner and then he gets a new job! Brandon Walsh becomes a waiter at the Peach Pit. So there you go.

In an act completely out of character, Tiffany confesses to Mrs. Walsh. She tells Mrs. Walsh that she herself is the dirty thief and that Brenda shouldn’t be allowed to hang out with her. Mrs. Walsh tries to give Tiffany some motherly advice and tells her that if everyone stole there would be nowhere to shop. “Nowhere to shop? Now that’s scary.”

Brenda overhears the conversation. Looks like all will be well.

The episode ends with Brandon reading Brenda’s Les Mis paper. She talks about the hunger to belong. Mr. Walsh is just hungry. The credits come up on a happy family.

Well, I'm exhausted. Hope you guys enjoyed that! Catch you later!

G 

Season 1, Episode 2: The Green Room

"Just remember me when everyone wants to get into your green room." -Brenda Walsh, to her twin brother

Hello Comrades!

Marie here to update you on the latest happenings in the 90210. With Christmas coming up we might be taking a momentary holiday from writing to spend our time ditching bitches, getting drunk, going home with guys in bars, and all kinds of other things that It-Girl Kelly Taylor would do. Fret not though, we'll be back in no time to give you the latest scoop on our favorite bunch of rich snobs.

So where did we leave off? Last class we found out Andrea was a liar, Kelly is a crap friend, Brandon & Brenda may or may not be in love, and Steve is still stuffing his pants with rolls of socks. Okay then, great recap.

The second episode from Season 1 opens up with Brandon running around on the beach, presumably pretending to be David Hasselhoff, as the Beach Boys blast in the background. Not gonna lie, Brandon actually looks pretty fit, and I can't help but notice that he's sporting a fresh new hairdo. Has the mullet been murdered? IT HAS! I can only assume that this beach sequence is a dream though, since I'm pretty sure Brandon is still a semi-loser, and I'm soon proven correct. Brandon is awoken by his twin sister, and closest confidante, Brenda, followed closely by that godzilla alarm clock, and I sit wondering which one of the two makes my ears bleed more.

We see a quick clip of someone delivering mail to the former Walsh house in Minnesota, where it's snowing. Right on the letter it says to forward the mail to their new home in Beverly Hills, so I'm not sure why the hell the mailman wasted his time carrying it to their door. To each his own I suppose, and the show is transported back to sunny Beverly Hills, along with whatever useless letters the Walshes were getting.

Oh man, different opening credits! I guess the pilot got picked up and we could splurge a little with that budget. They still suck just as much.

Back inside the Walsh house and we hear Mama Walsh on the phone to her estranged husband and crap father to her children. After uprooting his family to California, Mr. Walsh is always away on business, probably with his other family that he keeps on the side, and Mrs. Walsh let's him know that he needs to come home soon because her well is running dry. Brenda is hanging out in the kitchen working on her eating disorder and these epic words are spoken: "Kinda makes you wonder what we're doing out here, doesn't it?" Yes, it really does. In fact, that might be the smartest thing that anyone on this show has ever said.

The rolling turd takes the Walshes to school and Brandon is finally introduced to It-Girl Kelly Taylor. I'm pretty sure Brandon already thinks Kels is a bitch but he'd still like to bang her if she promised to stay silent. Then again, we learned last episode that the Walsh twins don't bang anybody because no one fornicates in Minnesota. That type of behavior is saved for California, the sex capital of the world. In this scene Donna finally has a line instead of just sitting around like a twat, when she tells Brenda that her brother is dope. I guess everyone wants to ride the Brandon train after they saw his new hair. Steve pops by after Brandon leaves, looking more and more like a child predator, and reminds everyone that he dated Kelly for a year. God help us all.

Brandon pops into the newsroom to see his BFF Andrea, who refers to him as being an ace sportswriter. I wondered if I had missed an episode since I'm pretty sure that as of last week Brandon hadn't written jack shit for the newspaper, but I guess it doesn't take much to impress Andrea, the editor of the best high school newspaper in the United States. As an interesting assignment, Andrea tells Brandon that this week he's not going to write about sports -- he's writing about himself! I have to say, this is bound to be incredible.

David's sidekick, Lakers Kid, starts showing Brandon a new invention, which I'm pretty sure was just a computer, and then one of Tim Allen's kids from Home Improvement shows up and starts picking on the freshman nerd with his gang of white thugs. Out of the shadows appears a god-like creature, who stands up for Lakers Kid. I'm not sure where the hell he came from, but my eyes are very thankful. Brandon was clearly as entranced as I was, and he follows this heavenly being out of the classroom. When he finally tracks him down, Brandon decides that he totes wants to be friends with this stud-muffin. The boy introduces himself to Brandon as Dylan McKay, and they bond over being Irish-Americans. Gosh, I hope that this Dylan guy goes on to be a main character!

The two boys decide to go have lunch and they are transported back into Brandon's visualizations from the night before. It soon becomes clear to me that Dylan McKay was meant to be the star of Brandon's wet dream, and I can't say I blame him. The two boys lunch on the beach in a totally non-gay way, and Brandon meets some of Dylan's "friends" which include two fucking morons and some dumb slut. I can tell immediately that Brandon's totally into this ho and I can't help but get really annoyed on behalf of a one, Marianne Moore. By the way, where the fuck is Marianne?! I'm assuming that she never called Brandon back after he pretended to have slept with her. Some people are too sensitive.

It turns out that this beach slut is named Sarah, except everybody calls her Betty because she's just a woman so they can't be bothered to learn her name. I feel a little vindicated at this, since Gina and I tend to refer to every minor female character in this show as "silly ho" or "dumb slut." Anyway, Betty is 16-years-old but her boobs are approximately 65. Seriously. They hang down to her to waist.

Back at West Bev, Kelly is talking about all the money she likes to spend and forgets that Brenda is living off welfare, you know, since her dad has two families to support. So instead of offering to buy some shit for Brenda, It-Girl Kelly Taylor suggests that Brenda follows her around after school so she can watch her spend money. Fun!

Next thing you know we're inside the Sanders house and Steve is having dinner with his mother over the phone. Oh cool, another MIA parent. Why do these people even bother reproducing? On the phone, Steve's ass of a mother asks Daughter Steve to befriend David Silver, since his dad is a big producer and she wants to get a part in his next project. Steve agrees to do it and then promptly hangs up on his mom so that he can watch her tv show while he eats.

The Walsh twins are back at home with their single mother, and Brandon lies to that sorry bitch's face to go and hang out with Dylan when he should probably be writing his editorial. I'm not sure why he would have to lie though, since Brenda is allowed to go wandering around with dumbass Kelly and doesn't get in trouble for dating pedophiles, but whatever. Then Brenda starts telling her mother that she's going to make her own clothes because it seems so wasteful that Kelly buys designer clothing. Brenda says that the clothes aren't better, they're just more expensive. Clearly Brenda's simple, Minnesotan ass doesn't realize the extremely apparent difference between things like leather and pleather, but Mrs. Walsh is clearly impressed with Brenda wanting to save some money because now they can get off food stamps.

Brandon finally meets up with Dylan, who is accompanied by Betty and her pimps. Dylan turns out to be quite the enigma and Brandon is intrigued to find that he's an intellectual. Who would have thunk it? Dylan also reveals to Brandon that he wishes he could save Betty from her pimps but he doesn't know how. Then they all go to a hotel and Dylan breaks into one of the suites so that they can party in there. Brandon gets his panties in a twist because in Minnesota no one ever does anything wrong, and he doesn't relish the thought of breaking any type of rule or getting in trouble. He runs out in a huff but Dylan chases him down.  Turns out that Dylan lives there when his parents are abroad - I'm sensing a trend here - and then Brandon gets mad because Dylan fakes being a G to impress the pimps and the ho. Then Brandon storms out and Dylan goes back to his party.

The next day Brandon brings Dylan up to Brenda. She tells her brother that she already knew all about who Dylan was, and that she heard he knocks up Parisians. Brandon's not totally buying what she's selling, but he starts hitting on her anyway and she's totally into it. Then Brenda invites Brandon to go to the beach with her, Kelly, and Kelly's bitches. Since Brandon likes being lame he keeps saying no and that he wants to stay at home with their mother. Finally he agrees to tag along.

When they get to the beach Brandon wanders out on his own and he runs into Betty and her pimps. It turns out that they're drunk assholes, and Brandon tells Betty that he liked her better sober. Dylan shows up soon after but he isn't drunk, he's just really sorry that he disappointed his new friend Brandon. The boys agree to meet up soon and Dylan heads off.

David is looking for Steve Sanders, and when he finally finds him, Steve tells David that his mother knows David's dad. David knows that this isn't true, but he so badly wants to be all up in Steve's bearded clam that he just plays along with it. Now he and Lakers Kid are so in.

Predictably, Kelly ditches Brenda because she takes too long to gather Brandon so they can leave. Now the Walsh twins have no ride home from the beach. All of sudden, Betty's drunk ass starts drowning. Brandon chases after her to save her life. Since all teenagers from Minnesota are CPR certified, Brandon begins to perform mouth-to-mouth on Betty. He then tells Brenda to call 911. Well, that solves the ride home problem.

At the hospital we find out that Betty is an alcoholic. Wow, didn't see that one coming. The doctor proclaims that the Walsh twins are heroes, and when their mother shows up he tells her she should be proud. Is this doctor an idiot? Look at the kind of people these two morons continue to associate themselves with. Mrs. Walsh is pissed that she had to cart her ass all the way to the hospital when it wasn't even her kids who almost drowned. She tells them "if this is a day in the life of your basic Beverly Hills family, we're moving back to Minnesota." Okay then.

Back at the beach, Brandon confronts Betty's pimps. He tries to make them feel bad for keeping their pimp hands strong, but it's to no avail. They start to fight but Dylan shows up and saves the day. Then he teaches the pimps a lesson by snapping their surfboard. Killer. He apologizes to Brandon for about the hundredth time, and I'm not even sure what the hell he's even supposed to be sorry about anymore. Saving Brandon's ass yet again? Being his only friend? Teaching him how to surf? Providing Brandon with the material he needed to write his editorial that Andrea assigned at the beginning of the episode? Oh heyyy!

Kelly is super sorry for ditching Brenda and she keeps calling the Walsh house every 5 minutes. What redeeming qualities does Brenda have that keeps Kelly coming back for more? I seriously have no idea. Brenda is being a bitch and ignoring the calls though, and Brandon finds this incredibly amusing. Then he asks his twin sister if she'll read his editorial entitled "The Green Room." She keeps stopping after every fucking word to be an annoying bitch and ask a thousand questions, but when she finally reads it through we find out that Brandon wrote about being a transfer student, and mentions the recent row of shit that he got himself into with Dylan's friends. Brenda is really impressed with Brandon's crap article and delivers to us the dopest quote of the episode, cited above. It is an incredibly appalling thing to say to your twin brother, but these two are fucking freaks. Then Brenda tells Brandon that she'll forgive Kelly... eventually.

Cut to a scene where Dylan is on the phone speaking French. Turns out that his parents suck ass and are always in Paris, ignoring their teenage son. Speaking of shitty parents, Steve's still got his meat curtains up David's butt on behalf of his mother. David reveals that his dad is actually an oral surgeon, not a producer, and Steve had the wrong kid all along. So after all that effort, his chia hole remains alone. What a shame.

At the end of the episode, Betty shows up at West Beverly where she's now going to school. Good to know that such an exclusive high school would let in a teenage alcoholic! She and Brandon have an extremely erotic exchange, which solidifies that Marianne Moore has just been dumped. In the final moments of the episode, Brandon becomes assured, as he always does, that they're gonna make it in Beverly Hills. We shall see, Brandon. We shall see.


See you next class-

M

Class of Beverly Hills, Part 2

"Well the houses are bigger, the weather is warmer, and the tan lines are outstanding, but it doesn't mean they've cracked the meaning of life, you know what I mean?" - Brandon Walsh

Hello Friends and Comrades! Hope you're ready for part two!

The two part pilot comes to a close with the dopest plot ever. This episode starts where the last episode finished; at a party in da club. Brenda has been ditched by Kelly and her bitches, so she's alone. Enter old man on the prowl.

He offers to buy her a drink. For a moment, you think she is going to do the smart thing and run, but instead she decides to give him all over her details. We're surprised she didn't give him her social security number.

For the record kids, Brenda's drink of choice is a Banana Daquiri. Gross. He's just graduated law school and she's 16. This isn't a scenario for disaster! It gets better though. She lies about going to UCLA, which turns out to be his alma mater. He asks her a bunch of probing questions that any normal UCLA student would be able to answer. She compensates by concocting a lie about transferring her entire sorority house from Minnesota State.

Meanwhile on the windy roads of Beverly Hills, Brandon is getting a ride from his ho. Not that kind of ride! They're on her dad's motorcycle, which he conveniently left at her disposal. These West Bev kids are crazy!

The ho lets Brandon drive and he takes them to her hot tub. Cue the heavy petting! An intense make-out session, accompanied by drinks, and you'd think Brandon is pretty close to sealing the deal. She even suggests that they get naked.  Now, Brandon is either gay or afraid of sex, because his response to her suggestion is, "Aren't you supposed to hold out on me?" That is SO not the dopest quote of the episode! Brandon, why do you want to work so hard!? She's right there! Offering it up! Wait. We see your angle. He's playing the "I'm not like most guys" game. Well played, Brandon. It worked. He even goes so far as to get her to admit that she has to be a ho because her parents were even bigger hos than her in the 60's. Can't have them thinking her life is boring!

Later that night, Brenda gets dropped off outside her imaginary sorority and pretends to walk inside. He drives away thinking he totally scored. And then the sixteen year old calls a cab.

Brenda calls Kelly in the middle of the night.

It's actually 6am, but Kelly's mom is either drunk or on drugs because this hour seems to displease her very much. She's all P.O.'d because some guy named Bob was woken up. Kelly's like, "What ev mom, your lame ass boyfriend sleeps all day anyway." We get a nice glimpse into Kelly's home life here. Kelly can be a ho as long as she doesn't give her mom shit about being a ho, too. And that's what we leaned about It Girl Kelly Taylor's life. The nose job makes so much more sense now. Anyway, Kelly tells her that if he really loves her, he won't care that she's jail bait. Great advice Kelly. This one should really end well.

Moving on. The next day, there is a pop quiz in chemistry. Brenda's new social life has made it impossible for her to study. Now who will Kelly cheat off of? In Spanish class, Brandon gets a surprise of his own: a special delivery of red roses. The delivery guy even speaks Spanish! Not surprising actually, it is California. First riding on the back of the motorcycle, now sending him roses in class? Why is Marianne Moore trying to turn him into a little bitch? Leave his balls alone!

Andrea is mad jealz of Brandon's new romance! Steve is on the hunt for David - who he can't remember. Really, Steve? You were that drunk you can't even remember the sweet angel who drove you home!? Did your pink velvet sausage wallet self even have a drink in your hand that night?

For some reason David and his friend are afraid of the afro and show up to school in disguise, but they have to go into Steve's crushed car to get sidekick's Lakers hat.

Rumors start to spread about Brandon and Marianne's budding relationship. Probably because of the whole roses incident. One of the students that Brandon's probably never spoken to in his life asks him what the deal is and Brandon answers, "I did something with Marianne on Friday night that most guys probably couldn't handle." You can take from that what you will. Imagine you're a teenage boy in this situation. Yeah, not surprising everyone thinks Brandon banged her. The thing is, we don't think he was actually intending to make it sound like he banged her. Things sure are different in the 90210.

With the help of the school's radio station, KWBH, the rumor gets blown completely out of proportion. Marianne hears about it on her ride to school and she is ticked off. She confronts Brandon in a deserted hallway and socks him in the gut, whining that she thought he was "for real." Remember in high school when you thought love could be for real after just one date? Simpler times. Anywho, she storms off before he can even explain.

David and Sidekick break into Steve's car thinking they're going to be all sly and shit. Turns out Steve's got his car alarm set up to a pager. What he doesn't have in brains he sure makes up for in sweet car accessories. Steve threatens to kick Sidekick's ass when he catches them, but David coughs up to his random act of kindness. He should have just let Steve drive his drunk ass into a tree and save us all the trouble. He settles for calling Steve a jerk and we'll have to take it with a grain of salt. David cleverly avoids punishment by distracting Steve with an idea to scam the insurance guys. Steve busts out his crazy laugh and then leaves. He didn't even beat them up. Well that was anticlimactic. Figures Steve would be all talk and no game. No wonder It-Girl Kelly Taylor ditched him.

Back at the Walsh house, Brenda introduces herself to the mirror over and over again, just in case you've forgotten which twin she is. She claims she hates her name. It could have been worse. She could have been called Branda.

Brandon comes in to ask her for some advice while she's getting ready for her hot old man date. He's worried he started the rumor and feels like a total jerk. For some reason Branda thinks he's an inconsiderate prick and tells him to check himself before he wrecks himself. Then they talk about why Branda is getting all dolled up. She says it's a secret for now but she'll tell him everything later. Brandon hates secrets. Well, Brandon, you might be on the wrong show.

The old man shows off his hot young thang to all his sophisticated buddies. Branda spews more lies about being an Astronomy major and tries to convince old man's friends that a black hole is just a hole that is black. And we thought she was supposed to be the intelligent Walsh.

Back outside the imaginary sorority, the old man tries to bone her in the car. She's not quite ready to cash in her V card just yet and leaves the old man with blue balls. He tells her that next time, she will spend the night at his place.

The next morning at West Bev, Brandon makes an appearance on the radio station to clear the air, melting the hearts of girls all across the nation. He also completely erases all of the man points he earned the day before. Marianne forgives him and he tries to get in her pants. She shoots him down saying that she'll call him. What a sucker.

Brenda gets her first F and needs to get her parents to sign the test. Her life is spiralling out of control! Maybe moving to California was a bad idea...

Brandon seeks out Andrea to get her approval of what he's done. She lives her life under a rock and doesn't realize that Brandon went public to make things right. In an effort to get her to listen to him, Brandon follows her city bus all the home. What must have been hours later, Brandon finds out that Andrea doesn't live anywhere near Beverly Hills. She's a fraud! This whole time she's been lying, using her grandmother's cheap ass rent controlled apartment as her address. OMG you guys! She's not as saintly as it seems. Andrea's all high and mighty about how living in an undesirable post code shouldn't mean her quality of education has to suffer. Um, actually Andrea, it does. You don't pay school taxes to West Beverly Hills. You're stealing. Brandon doesn't seem to mind, though. After all, at least he's not the poorest person at that school. He promises to keep her secret and Andrea's all stoked that she can finally bring a friend home from school.

Brenda finds herself on another fancy expensive date. Don't forget, tonight's the night for them to bump uglies. The old man starts talking about how he hated his live-in ex-girlfriend and Brenda gets all yuppy and spills the beans. Turns out, three dates does not true love make and the old man is totally pissed. We're pretty sure he'll be jumpy when he hears police sirens for the rest of his life. He lectures her about the dangers of lying and she is all butt hurt because she was totally gonna lose it to him tonight! What a jerk!

Brenda gets home later that night and her mother doesn't even care that her daughter was driven home by a strange man she's never met. Remember when she just had to embarrass her in front Kelly and her bitches? Her mom tries to be all understanding but Brenda just wants to talk with Brandon. In another one of their creepy TMI sibling talks Brenda shares that she misses Minnesota and that just because Brandon is 30 seconds older, it does not make him wiser. They also check with each other - they're both still pure. Gee, wonder how long that will last? The show ends with Brandon giving us the dopest quote of the episode. Does he think they'll make it in the 90210? "Well, the houses are bigger, the weather is warmest, and the tan lines are OUTSTANDING, but that doesn't mean they've cracked the meaning of life, you know what I mean?" No Brandon, not really.

Later!

M&G