Hello comrades!
So this episode was called "The First Time." At first I had high hopes for it, but then I remembered what I was watching.
Episode 4 begins with the longest credits known to man, then cuts to a scene where Brandon is standing half naked in the bathroom. Of course his
Next thing you know, the phone rings. Much to Brenda's dismay, it's not It-Girl Kelly Taylor, her bestest pal on this earth, but Brandon's ex-ho Cheryl from Minneapolis. How ironic! Brandon was just talking about Minneapolis! The ho calls in the middle of the night to let Brandon know that she's going to show up the next day and plans on staying at his house for the weekend. Well, at least she didn't just show up unannounced.
The next day at West Beverly, Brandon asks his slave-driver Andrea if he can skip writing an article for the paper this week. Andrea knows something must be up because the biggest game of the year is happening this weekend, and Brandon is the greatest sports writer that the school has ever known. Brandon reveals that his ex-ho is visiting, and Andrea is shocked to learn that Brandon was holding out on this ho for a year. Brandon also reveals to Andrea that he dumped Cheryl's ass because he doesn't believe in long distance relationships. Sure, Brandon. That and all the California tail you were looking to land once you arrived on the west coast.
In a different wing of West Bev, It-Girl Kelly Taylor, Brenda and Donna are all salivating in the hallway while gawking at their algebra teacher. During their asinine conversation, they talk about how he should be a ski instructor or a lifeguard, which is not at all inappropriate or creepy. The teacher then tells Brenda that class would empty without her, and she explodes in her pants. When the class ends, the teacher calls Brenda over to him because he wants to talk to her about something. Brenda then has a sick, fucked up fantasy where he asks her to run away with him. It's incredibly appalling. When we are finally allowed back in reality and out of Brenda's sick mind, we find out that the man just wanted her to babysit for him and his wife. Seriously Brenda, how many older men are you trying to have thrown in jail?! I think you need to seek therapy.
Dylan wore pajamas to school. This has nothing to do with the story, but it absolutely needs to be documented.
After Brandon quickly tells his BFF Dylan that Cheryl is coming to visit, David Silver shows up out of the blue to offer Brandon advice. This gets super awkward really quickly, as the 12-year-old David seems like he's trying to offer sex advice. Brandon tries not to be interested in what David has to say, but he's been having a dry spell since Marianne Moore, and really needs David's reassurance that he's gonna get it on with Cheryl. David has nothing of value to say, and pisses off after two minutes.
Cheryl shows up at the Walsh house hours before expected just because she felt like taking an earlier flight. When the twins get home from school she runs outside to greet them. Either that or she's running from Mrs. Walsh, who she's been running her mouth for the last hour while Cheryl was stuck listening. I have to say, I don't feel bad. This ho needs to learn time management. Brandon doesn't seem to care though, and after Brenda gives her an ass-out hug, Brandon kisses his ho right in front of his mother.
The two of them are up in Brandon's room, still making out, and the sexual urges are so overwhelming I want to vomit. Mrs. Walsh comes in like the major cock block she is, and the two of them head downstairs to hang out with the rest of the family. Later that night, Cheryl is supposed to sleep in Brenda's room. As they set up her cot, the two girls gossip about Minnesota and students that marry teachers. This prompts Brenda to tell Cheryl how much she wants to be a home wrecker so she can bone her teacher. Brenda says that her teacher is the cutest guy at school. I know this to be wildly inaccurate. Dylan McKay goes to that school.
Cheryl then takes a shower, and right after she gets out and wraps herself in a towel Brandon comes in with only his underwear on. Brandon, seriously? The two of them start making out. It's filthy. Then Brandon, always a smooth talker, propositions his ho to come to his room in an hour. Cheryl is worried that Brandon's parents might hear them doing it, but he assures her that they're heavy sleepers and will have no idea that he's banging her in the next room. Cheryl says she's waited so long to have Brandon inside her that she wants it to be special. He assures her that it will be, and tells her not to say no. This is super forward of Brandon, especially after he was such a prude with Marianne Moore.
After many moments of pondering what to do all throughout the night, Cheryl leaves behind a sleeping Brenda and goes into Brandon's room. In an surprise turn of events, it's the ho who has to ask if Brandon has protection, to which he responds, "Of course! That's the problem... lots of protection but no one to protect." What the hell does that even mean? Before Brandon even gets it in, his mother apparently hears the two lovebirds making out. She feels the need to wake up her husband so that she can annoy him with the subject. Mrs. Walsh wants to go in there to check on them, but Mr. Walsh tells her not to. I assume that he has a general understanding that walking in on your only son giving it to someone will fuck you up for the rest of your life. The lights fade out, and it looks like Brandon has finally got laid.
The sun comes up and Brandon is blasting a song called "In the Mood" all throughout the house. What a moron. The ho comes downstairs, and the two of them start making out in kitchen. Brenda walks in on them. That must be awkward for her. Cheryl tells Brandon that she wants to go see celebrities so he offers to drive her around Beverly Hills in his rolling turd so that she can look at movie stars' houses. Afterward they go to dinner at the restaurant at the hotel where Dylan lives. When Brandon goes to the bathroom, the ho makes Dylan's ears bleed about her celebrity obsession. He tells her that he can get the three of them into a club called Contact so that they can see movie stars. If I didn't know any better I would have thought that Cheryl then responds by giving Dylan the bedroom eyes, but she's so totally devoted to Brandon.
Back at the Walsh house, Cheryl is getting ready for a party in da club. Brenda is next to her, getting ready to go babysit for her algebra teacher. Mama Walsh still bitching about Brandon to Papa Walsh. She makes him agree to go have "the talk" with Brandon, but Dylan arrives and the three idiots run out the door before he gets the chance.
When the three kids get outside, Cheryl decides to ditch Brandon so that she can ride with Dylan in his Porsche. Brandon gets his panties in a twist. His best friend drives off with his girl, and Brandon is has to drive Brenda to her teacher's house in the rolling turd. Brandon tells Brenda that he thinks Dylan and the ho are acting weird. Brenda tells him that he's paranoid, but Brandon is totes convinced that Cheryl just doesn't want his poor ass. After Brandon drops her off, Brenda goes inside her teachers house, and we immediately learn that his wife is a bitch, his daughter is a pretentious brat who thinks she doesn't need a babysitter and his son is annoying as fuck.
Outside of Contact, there is a line of bitches complaining to the bouncer that they're tired of waited and want to be let in. Brandon walks up to the door, jumps over the barrier and walks right inside like the BAMF that he is. He finds Dylan and Cheryl breaking it down on the dance floor and starts screaming at Dylan and the ho stalks off. Brandon says that Dylan is hitting on his girlfriend and continues this incessant yelling until Dylan says he didn't hit on Cheryl, but it was actually the ho herself who hit on Dylan. In response to this, Brandon punches Dylan in the face.
Dylan tells Brandon that he better figure out who his friends are and peaces out. Brandon goes and finds Cheryl at bar where she's getting her drunk on. Brandon tells her that she's had one too many. She basically tells him what a controlling cock he is, and that he don't know her or what she been through, because it's been 6 months since they've seen each other. She tells him that sex won't make them closer, but will actually tear them apart. She reveals to Brandon that she knows this because she had already done it before. Brandon totally got played! He's completely crushed and the ho storms off to get on the next bus back to Minneapolis. Goodbye!
While babysitting, the teacher's son tells Brenda that his daddy has a penis. Little does this poor child know that Brenda is extremely aware of that fact, and probably dreams about it at night. All of a sudden, Kelly and Donna show up to make this show even worse. The kids start annoying the hell out of the girls, and we cut back to a scene in the club. Brandon is running outside, chasing after his ex-ho. Turns out that she's already jumped inside a taxi and is already rolling away in it
Back at Mr. Algebra's house, and It-Girl Kelly Taylor has snagged a photo album out of his underwear drawer. These girls are so fucking weird. In what world is this okay?! The teacher and his bitch of a wife come home early and catch the girls looking at the photos. Strangely enough, he makes excuses for his students, even though they're clearly nosy bitches. He then asks Brenda how much he owes her for the night, and in the car ride home the bitches are totally convinced that the teacher wants Bren.
Brenda gets to her room and finds her crazy mother cleaning up all of Cheryl's stuff. Brenda asks what the hell is going on, and Mrs. Walsh tells her idiot daughter that Cheryl ran the fuck away from Minnesota without telling anyone where she was going. Her parents called Walshes because she had been missing for three days. This ho is nuts! Brandon goes to Dylan with his tail between his legs, and finds out that Cheryl is at Dylan's hotel room... puking in the bathroom. Dylan leaves the room to let the two lovebirds talk, and the ho gives Brandon a sob story about how she hates her step dad, her mom and her real dad, who never calls her. Apparently Minnesota is also full of absentee parents! She says that being with Brandon and his family makes everything in her life better, and that's why she ran away. So basically, she has serious fucking issues. Brandon tells her that he didn't know things were bad. His idea of fixing things is then to call room service to get lots of ice cream. I'm sure dairy is really helpful after you've been puking your brains out.
The two idiots go back to the Walsh house and the ho goes upstairs to call her mother. Mama Walsh announces to the whole family that she's sure that Brandon totally did it last night. Brenda, who is clearly heartbroken, starts bitching because Brandon never gets in trouble and she always does. Um, excuse me? Can we please recap on all the things that Brenda has gotten away with?! Almost arrested for shoplifting, going on secret dates with an older man that she met in a club, being friends with Kelly Taylor! What an idiot. Papa Walsh wants to talk to Brandon about this whole thing, but he says that he'll talk to his father tomorrow when he's feeling up to it. Brandon the tells his sister that there was this huge gap between the Cheryl that he wanted her to be and the person that she really is. Brandon then tells Brenda he's ready to say goodbye to that dumb ho.
The next morning, Brandon's ho says she's flying home and refuses to accept any of Brandon's help. Brandon tells her that the whole thing was quite an experience, and the dumb bitch finally apologizes to him. She then proceeds to drone on and on about how when they made love together it was special, and even though it wasn't her first time, it still felt different, and the way that she always imagined it would. Apparently she's still talking, and tells him that her feelings for him are so intense that she'll never forget how he held her right after he made her see God. Brandon has clearly heard none of that, and all he wants to know is who she lost it to. Who was it Cheryl?!?! She tells him that it doesn't matter because it was meaningless. She says that their love affair helped her realize something, but she's cut off when she has to go to the airport.
Brandon then dramatically pretends to chase after Cheryl, even though she's actually only 4 steps ahead of him on the staircase. He wants to know what she realized, and Cheryl delivers to us the dopest quote of the episode, when she announces, "Brandon, you are an amazing lover." Naturally, Brenda is PISSED because she wanted Brandon to herself. Then the ho leaves and we never see her again.
The final scene shows Brandon playing basketball with his dad. I'm sorry, but I have to point out that Mr. Walsh is a hairy beast. Seriously, he's like a gorilla. It is so distracting that I couldn't even listen to the dialogue for most of it. I did catch the end though, and Brandon asks if King Kong is trying to talk to him about sex. He tells his son that he's actually trying to discuss the subject of love. Brandon confirms that he did have sex and for his father to tell his mother that they were careful. The two exchange loving glances at the confirmation that Brandon lost his virginity. What the fucking hell am i watching?!?! The episode ends with Mighty Joe Young and Brandon playing basketball like the happy and loving father-son duo they are.
Wow.
So normally I'd give that episode half a star, but after writing the blog I realized something. This episode had a total lack of Steve's hoo-ha. BEST EPISODE EVER!
Later!
M
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